如果结局早已命定, 你还愿意经历这一切吗?

学不会
林俊杰

你的痛苦 我都心疼 想为你解决
挡开流言 紧握你手 想飞奔往前
我相信爱 能证明一切
够真心 会超越时间
多付出 也多了喜悦
让幸福蔓延


总是 学不会 再聪明一点
记得 自我保护 必要时候 讲些 善意谎言
总是 学不会 真爱也有现实面
不是谁情愿 就能够解决


一次争吵 一个心结 累积着改变
内心疏远 足够秒杀 外表多浓烈
才发现爱 不代表一切
再真心 也会被阻绝
这世界 天天有诡雷
随时会爆裂


还是 学不会 少浪漫一点
拼命 着想的事 未必带来 感动 或被感谢
还是 学不会 解释我最伤最累
痛死都 不愿 怪谁


把每段痴情苦恋 在此刻排列面前
也感觉 不埋怨 只怀念


总是 学不会 再聪明一点
记得 自我保护 必要时候 讲些 善意谎言
不是 学不会 只是觉得爱太美
值得去 沉醉 流泪

The fork in the road

So we've reached that inevitable fork in the road ahead. You've chosen one side. I'll have to take the other one.

The End

The fairytale came to an end.

I don't know if I really want to write about it or not. But I have no one to turn to. Only this journal.

I thought we had something special. So special. I've never met someone I was so comfortable with. Someone I felt I could live the rest of my life with. The feeling was just so right. I had dreams for us. Days would go by when I would just sit there thinking about what we would be doing in future. Maybe a walk down the beach? Maybe cooking a simple meal together? Maybe throwing snowballs at each other?

But dreams are dreams for a reason. They aren't real. Perhaps I always had a delusional side to me. Maybe that's why I didn't let go when I should have. You might say, my dreams weren't practical. Sure, I recognise that they would be just at home in a romantic movie. But who doesn't dream of such things? We are all human after all. We have feelings.

All those years of waiting really did take their toll on us. I'm not sure if it did as much damage to you as it did to me. You've always had him to lean on. I had no one. Just a belief. Just a hope. That we would one day live our lives together. And so I waited. waited. And waited. I've always hated weekends. Because rarely could I talk to you nor see you. Even though I knew that, I waited. waited. And waited.

It took a long time of waiting. Then I realised. I didn't know what you were up to over there. You could be on a date with him. Watching a movie. Having a dinner. Or even cuddling up against each other. I hated to think of such thoughts. I wanted to ask you directly, straight up. But I didn't, because I knew I'd just get upset. I don't know if I could have gotten more upset or not. And you've always hid everything about him from me. Perhaps you should have just told me about it. I might have let go earlier because it would have hurt that much.

Then I tried calling. There were days I'd call and it just wouldn't get through. Sure, it might not be your fault. I blame myself for worrying. Worrying where you were, who were you with. And those same thoughts of you and him would flood my mind. Frustrated, I'd cry myself to sleep. Gradually I stopped waiting. I was tired. Tired of the unhappiness I was living with. A close friend I talked to recently said to me, "All this time I've known you, I don't think I ever felt that you were truly happy."

I wanted to break free. But I was afraid. I knew if I did, I'd lose you forever. What was I to do. I really loved you. So much so I did so many crazy things for you. But as I grew older, I realised I was becoming like you. Practical. Just as you were practical about not returning or even trying to meet up. I became practical like you. I often wondered what went on in your head. So I stayed behind. Trying to do my best in my studies while working part-time. Trying to show you I was capable enough or showing some effort in working hard to perhaps give you a comfortable lifestyle. Maybe it was just silly thinking on my part.

I worked hard after graduation, trying to show you some results. Sure I partied hard as well. Only because I didn't want to be alone on the weekends. I knew you weren't going to appear. I had enough of waiting, hoping and getting disappointed. I just couldn't go on doing that. It was my way of running away from reality. By this time, weeks might have gone by when we didn't talk. I can only say that I tried. I texted. And I was waiting at night. But you were distracted with work, which I understand. Maybe we were both distracted with work. The distance between us grew.

And now you tell me that you already decided a long time ago that you'd be a good gf to him. Why oh why did you not tell me earlier. You said you didn't know how to tell me, didn't know how I'd react. Can you guess my reaction now? Do you know how I feel right now? If I hadn't asked you that night, how long more were you going to keep me in the dark? And do you know why I feel insecure all the time? Why I always ask you if you miss me? Because I couldn't feel it from you anymore. How hard it is to keep hoping if I didn't know you still had feelings. You really have no idea.

Throughout the years, I've always asked myself. Why does he always come before me? Just because he met you first? Just because he is your bf? So that means you have an obligation to love him first? What does that make me? I'm just a third party I guess. The one who will be frowned upon. I didn't care what others thought. I didn't mind being the devil. But now, I feel so cheap. You once said that I needed you more than he needed you. Then why? Why do you still put him before me? Am I not worth it? You said you need to love till you can't love anymore. I always wondered when it would be my turn.

But everything is over now. We've really lost everything. What's there left for us? Only memories. Our conversations feel so fake, so superficial to me now. I couldn't have imagined that our conversations would end up becoming so fake. We've lost that ability to communicate, heart to heart. We've become passerbys in each other's lives. I can't imagine how it will be when we meet again, if we do.

I feel like I've lost myself. Lost my happy self. People tell me I no longer smile. For I no longer wear that smiling mask. I stopped trying, to pretend, to act. This loneliness is killing me. I just want to run away. Run away to somewhere new and start afresh. I want to stop living in the past, which I've done for the last few years. I want to stop thinking about the past. I wish that I could say that the "old" me died that night. Then I could start anew. But I can't.

We just weren't meant to be. Maybe in our next lives, if there's such a thing. Then we could love each other without all these burdens.

I want to wish you every bit of happiness that I can still muster within me. Look forward. Don't regret. I'm sure you'll be happy.

The End.